Finding Self While On The Road

I'll admit, this may be a personal rant (and perhaps narcissistic? Although what about a blog isn't in some ways narcissistic?)

I have been to a total of 47 chapters, going to every state except Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, and Hawaii over the past two years. I've even flown up to Alaska although not as a consultant. Alas, our Alaska Alpha chapter is just a figment of role playing scenarios. I mention this because I had a moment where I pulled off of the highway (at night) into a gas station subway that has become so ubiquitous and I forgot where I was. I didn't know what state or what chapter was next on my agenda. I had even forgotten what day of the week it was. Even after only two years, these gas station subways all tend to look alike and when you're traveling 100 + miles every three days, it drags on you after awhile.

I thought to myself that as I met more and more people, I actually knew less and less about everyone. Including myself.

One of the biggest challenges being a "Fraternity Road Warrior" is just that. Some, including the most extroverts amongst us, react to those feelings of isolation by throwing themselves headlong into their new found "virtual communities." Facebook groups and messages become the new coffee shop banter while every new chapter gets an online presence. Every consultant becomes a best friend and every chapter president a colleague. The conversation becomes a wide web of ice breakers and common projects that inspires those extroverts to even greater heights.

But not as much or to the same degree as us introverts.

I responded not with gregariousness or glee at every new encounter but a hardening of my soul (if you could call it that.) I took umbrage with my own inability to draw instant connections and saw those same webs as tools to facilitate information rather than connections and projected commonalities where nuances held sway. Projects become an end, not a beginning. Maybe that hurt me or maybe it helped create a sense of professionalism that I attempt to take pride in with every organization I meet with? I believe whole heartedly in the latter despite those carbon copy subways on empty dark highways. I think the introvert warrior arms themselves with knowledge as a shield rather than a weapon. We deflect what we see as excuses and use reason and logic with our colleagues and our friends rather than use those inherent personal connections to influence others. Rather than taking joy in creating an ever expanding web of personal connections we look to our constantly challenged knowledge and tricks. I guess I see myself as a constant learner and challenge others to learn from me rather than projecting myself a leader looking for followers. This is a leadership voice that the introvert must embrace while still understanding the limits of that style. We utilize our voice in the same way the extrovert must understand the power and limits of their own voice.

The extrovert, it seems to me, learns from people while the introvert learns from outcomes.

So I sit here in sunny Philadelphia and ruminating over how few people I actually know and realize that this sense of loss isn't so much loss as it is a perspective shift. I miss those core four or five people that I knew intimately as well as the small coterie of men and women who had a huge impact on my development. I miss my mentors and my colleagues, but I miss knowing my self even more. Still, I find satisfaction in finding myself in every conversation.

There seem to be two competing ideas of self that I seem to affiliate with. I'm sure there are more, but I am not well versed enough in philosophy to talk about them. The first is advocated by Aristotle who argued that self is defined by the act of the being. Basically, we are what we do. Lao Tzu argues that the self comes from self-knowledge.

As an introvert, I tend to find myself very sympathetic to the idea of self-knowledge. I am who I know myself to be. That may be defined by my relationships to others, my actions (past or present), or my surroundings but I do not find those compelling definitions in and of itself. I find comfort that as I sit here I can trace my decision making tree (regretable as some of those decisions may have been) and explore WHY I made some of those decisions yet still take pride that those decisions brought me to this point.

For those of you who are extroverts, I encourage you to find out for yourself what actions define your core essence and what actions you want to define who you are. That is a fundamental values exploration that I can't even begin to hold your hand on.

As for those of you who were looking for a discussion on educational theory this week? Well, let me pose you a question. If knowledge is critical to understanding self (be it identifying your core actions or increasing self-awareness), then how does experiential learning impact your core values? What tools help promote the best understanding of your experiential learning? Finally, what may be a better end result? A liberal arts wide ranging curriculum or a so-called "practical" employment focused discipline like pre-law, business, or pharmacy?

I'm just too weary to draw the necessary logical links between Aristotle and the Liberal Arts versus business degrees at the moment.