There seems to be a myth, certainly at the chapter level, that every member of an organization is your friend and that the reverse should be just as true. That said, for anyone who has had a co-worker, a professional colleague, a fraternity or sorority brother or sister can tell you, this is certainly not the case. Why is this not the case? In part because, as shocking as this may be to some people (insert sarcastic smile here), there are some people in the world you JUST. DON'T. LIKE.
Now, for many people, this really is not an issue. You go about your day, behave professionally, and generally do your utmost to avoid putting yourself in situations that require prolonged interaction with these individuals. But, when you are in the Fraternity / Sorority setting specifically, where the framework is "numbers, numbers, numbers," you may not have the liberty to avoid this person. Moreover, you may be forced to work in intimate contact with them for the sake of The Chapter. This is actually a wonderful opportunity for you to really explore your tolerance levels and develop coping capabilities, but for some, this is too much. Conflict, especially when living in close proximity (and especially in the presence of alcohol) is inevitable.
So, given that not all of our friends will be in our organization and not all members in our organization will be our best friends (in part because of the many idiosyncracies that make up us as individuals), what can we do to peacefully and positively move forward for the betterment of the organization? Since, let us be honest here for a second, fist fights in the hall ways rarely if ever do anything but create a longer lasting legacy than the orginal problem ever will.
The first step is to create distance between two opponents. If the problem is a simering one, ask the two opponents to work on different projects at different times. Give them some time to cool off. If, as is the case in some of the more violent cases, the conflict is in immediate risk of exploding (see two "Frat" boys at a bar), then you need to step between the two or call someone who can. Anything you can do to distract these two opponents the better it will be. As in the case of the bar, if you can get one or both of the opponents out of the bar in different directions to avoid drinking any more, the better everyone will be.
The second step is to ascertain the problem. In many cases we hear snippets of facts and innuendo and we want to be the knights in shining armor. An improper confrontation could be even worse than none at all depending upon how it is handled. Try and ask open ended questions of each party, seperate of each other so you can get a string of uninterrupted story. If you have time, solicit outside opinions from others who are familiar with the issue. This will also help you in future steps as you try to determine who should talk with one or more of the parties involved and how. Again, if this conflict is in immediate danger of blowing up, do not feel that resolution is on your shoulders alone. If you cant take the time to get all of the facts, just seperate the parties and wait a day to work towards resolution.
The third step involves picking the time, place, and method of resolution and can be the most critical part of the whole process. Stepping in immediately without all of the facts can get you into a yelling match and alienate one or more of the parties. Similarly, waiting to long can allow the parties to the dispute to submerge their feelings and fall back against a shield of "brotherhood" or "sisterhood" that prohibits open and honest dialogue. You also want to pick who might have the best standing rapport (as I'll talk about in a minute) with each of the parties involved. Whether it is a family member, a best friend, a respected officer in the organization, or just another brother, someone who has the respect of the party to the dispute is going to have an easier time getting through to them. When you pick your time and place, be aware of the simple things like body placement and number of individuals doing the confrontation. If it is three against one, with the person who is creating conflict has his or her back, literally, against a wall, they are more likely to become panicked and angry. Try and find a safe place and a safe time that will allow cooler heads to prevail and give each party a chance to leave the situation if at all possible. Finally, you'll have to choose an aggressive or "passive" approach. If this is a case of pending violence, you may well be forced to physically intervene to seperate the parties and forcefully remove someone from premises. Only do this if you are confident in your own abilities. If not, please call the local authorities. Afterwards however, and in most cases, such a physical response only encourages defensiveness and anger. Be careful about your body language and words that you choose. If you approach a person who is already angry with a squared jaw, squinting eyes, shoulders drawn back, you look like you're about to fight the individual. A more "passive" approach, ie one that infers calm and reason, may be key to drawing down the tension.
The fourth step involves buidling rapport and establishing trust. Once you've made a decision about how you are going to intervene and try to resolve the situation peacefully, make sure you try and build rapport with the party to the dispute. If the person feels you are "out to get them" or biased in some way, they are less likely to listen to you. If you can build trust and use "I feel..."statements or other types of personal affirmative declerations, it becomes harder for an individual to make the case to continue a conflict. For example, a drunk "Frat" boy may be more likely to listen to "I am worried about you as a brother" than "Dude, you're black out drunk and about to do something stupid." Both are equally true, but one is in the positive and demonstrates concern and brotherly love while the other is a negative statement attempting logic against a drunk person. Again, conflict rarely occurs in the most ideal situations and neither will resolution thereof. So make the most out of your bonds of broterhood / sisterhood / work environment and hold each other accountable, not out of logical necessity (although I can easily make the argument why it is necessary) but because at the end of the day, you care about these people.
The fifth step involves getting a promise from one or more of the individuals. Even if it is something as simple as shaking the other person's hand, that alone is a small step towards reconcilliation. It can also be to stop drinking and go home, take a smoke break, get a glass of water and some bread, or take a walk around the block, you don't need some magical cure in one night, you just need some progress.
Finally, thank the parties for following through on their promises and keep tabs of these individuals. I mean, doesn't brotherhood / sisterhood call on us to look out for and take care of our members? Make sure you are excersizing the core components of brotherly / sisterly love and take care of these members. If it is simmering, keep an eye out for danger signs of a flare up and talk to the parties individually in the coming days and weeks.
I know this is not an exhaustive guide nor does it come with case studies to practice your new found skills, but I encourage you to keep an eye out. Complacency (and bystander effect, or the act watching trouble occur and doing nothing about it) is probably one of the biggest issues facing chapters that I've visited and certainly more across the country. Being able to accurately assess and diffuse a tense situation is an absolutely essential life skill. Waiting for someone else to intervene (or atleast ask someone to do so) is almost a guaruntee that nothing will get done. If you can see the situation becoming a problem, almost always others can as well and are thinking similar thoughts to you. Talk to somone in authority about your concerns and coordinate a response. The people involved will be better off, the organization will be better off, and everyone can get back to what they want to be doing, which is having a little bit of fun with their studies.
