Close your eyes for a moment, and walk with me on a thought excersize.
Imagine the six women in your life who are most influential. Or five men. How much do they mean to you? How close to them are you?
Imagine for a moment that they go out one night. As improbable as that may seem for some of them. Imagine that they are at a bar, a book club, a concert, or traveling.
Imagine that during this activity, a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend, or a family member verbally insults or hits, or even sexually assaults this person close to you. How would you feel? What would you say? What would you do? For the survivor or the perpetrator?
Now imagine for a moment that this was an act not in isolation, but had been building. Warning signs may have been present and someone else who was close to you was aware and present, who witnessed the warning signs and said nothing? How would you feel? What would you say? What would you do to that bystander?
Unfortunately, this kind of scenario (in many different forms, with different people, at different places) is all too real. For students who are entering college, supposedly one of the best experiences in their lives, these kind of attacks can utterly ruin the experience and have long lasting repercussions for the survivor.
The statistics according to the Department of Justice are terrifying. One in six women and one in five men are sexually assaulted in their lifetime, many before they even get to college. Nearly 50% of 18-25 year olds reported being stalked making it one of the most significant crimes facing college students today. Also, one in three college relationships will have a violent incident occur in the partnership at least once.
Imagine a world where this is not the case...
Imagine a world where students of all genders, religions, sexual orientations, and ethnicities can grow and be themselves without fear, without hate, without bias.
I can.
It may seem naive, but I believe if we all become more observant about our own actions, inactions, and words and those from people around us, we can have a world free from violence and hate.
To accomplish this goal, it is going to take more than survivors speaking up. It's going to take more than education about how "not" to be one of those "bad" people, but it is going to take good people standing up and speaking out about issues big and small to make change.
For me, this means take a stand against violence and microaggressions. For you it might be drinking. For someone else it might be hazing, or racism, or homophobia, or whatever issue concerns you the most. But together, we can stand for what we believe is right, support each other and our friends, and continue to challenge others where their behavior may be inconsiderate, ignorant, or cruel.
Bystander behavior is a terrible thing. It allows us to become blind because we ourselves THINK we don't engage in certain behaviors. Yet we know that a large majority of people would like to speak up against hateful speech, cruel jokes, and violent behavior or words. Even innocent sounding jokes or minor acts of kidding around with others can have a significant impact. Yet people who feel like they want to speak up, feel alone. Or they don't know what to say. Or be told to "lighten up." It's cruel that the vast majority of people who are speaking are the ones who are saying inappropriate things and those who think otherwise are deligitimized as going against the grain or seen as inappropriate in their own right. As a result those who do want to intervene either feel alone, and thus may be wrong or don't know what to say.
As the Martin Luther King Jr. said, "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
Imagine a world where good people are no longer silent.
I can. It looks pretty good actually...
I apologize in advance. I will begin to use this blog as an extension of my work with the Men's Anti-Violence Council here at the University of Iowa. You can find MAC blog here.
Not that I get many readers now, but if you are uninterested in imagining a personal violence free world, then this might not be the place for you.
We may not be super heroes, but together, we can make a huge impact. Speak up, speak out, and never be afraid to challenge the inappropriate.
